This is one of my favorite blogs that I have ever written. And it’s the blog that keeps on giving. Updating the success of Ohio sports while simultaneously shitting on Detroit’s team makes me very happy. Now, Cleveland has two baseball teams that have won playoff games more recently that the Detroit Tigers and that is funny in its own right. I get genuine joy and excitement when I get to update this piece.
Ohio playoff wins since Detroit counterpart’s last postseason victory…
Cleveland Cavaliers: 71
Columbus Blue Jackets: 13
Cleveland Indians: 12
Ohio State Buckeyes: 5
CLEVELAND GUARDIANS: 4
Cleveland Browns: 2
Yeesh. I mean, it’s an absolute bloodbath at this point.
Here’s the breakdown…
The Cleveland Cavaliers have won 71 playoff games since the Pistons last won a postseason game. We’re not talking about a series. We’re talking about one game. Singular. The Pistons last postseason win was on May 26, 2008. George W. Bush was still president. Detroit dropped that Eastern Conference Finals series 4-2 to the Celtics, losing Games 5 and 6.
The Pistons made the playoffs in 2008-09, but were swept by the Cavs.
The Pistons made the playoffs in 2015-16, but were swept by the Cavs.
The Pistons made the playoffs in 2018-19, but were swept by the Bucks.
All told, Detroit basketball has lost 14-straight playoff games.
Meanwhile, the Cavs made the ECF in 2009, took Boston to six games in 2010 and ripped off four-straight Finals appearances during LBJ2 from 2015-18.
But Anders, Detroit is hockeytown. Oh, word?
The Columbus Blue Jackets have won 13 playoff games since the Red Wings last won a postseason game. We’re not talking about a series. We’re talking about one game. Singular. The Red Wings last postseason win was on April 17, 2016. About time to put @simpsonati in goal, eh? Detroit bowed out of the first round in a gentleman’s sweep to the Lightning.
The Red Wings haven’t made the playoffs since. They haven’t finished in the top half of the division either.
Meanwhile, the super BJs took a game from the Penguins in 2017, took two from the Capitals in 2018 and murked the top-seeded Lightning four times in 2019. Took the Bruins to six games in the semis that year, won a couple bubble games last year, bingo, bango, Columbus is hockeytown.
But Anders, didn’t the Indians lost a bunch of playoff games in a row. Yea, eight in a row before the name change. So what?
The Cleveland Indians have won 12 playoff games since the Tigers last won a postseason game. We’re not talking about a series. We’re talking about one game. Singular. The Tigers last postseason win was on October 16, 2013. Woah momma, that’s a long time ago. Verlander, Scherzer and Porcello each went 0-1 in a six-game series loss to the Red Sox. They’ve all won Cy Young Awards since. Not for Detroit, but still.
The Tigers made the playoffs in 2014, but were swept by the Orioles.
Four last-place finishes in the last seven years, but at least you hired AJ Hinch. He’s a standup guy that has never had his team get busted for cheating.
Meanwhile, the Tribe, a team that no longer exists, swept the Red Sox in the 2016 ALDS, rolled through the Blue Jays in the ALCS and were a rain delay away from winning the World Series against the Cubs. Then up 2-0 on the Yankees before getting reverse swept in 2017. Fuckin’ Greg Bird.
The Ohio State Buckeyes have won 5 playoff games since the Wolverines last won a playoff game. Not a Michigan fan? Than Michigan State. It don’t matter.
Now stick with me on this one. The College Football Playoff has only been around since 2014. So I’m counting everything since then. Before that, I’ll count national championship games like its a two-team tournament. Cool? Cool.
The Wolverines last playoff win was on … scrolling … scrolling … yea, no, it’s never happened. First off, if you’re a Michigan fan and you count 1997 as a National Championship, you can go fuck yourself. That’s some Central Florida shit. You played #8 Washington State in the Rose Bowl. Wazzu didn’t even win their own conference. Michigan is UCF, UCF is Michigan.
Meanwhile, Ohio State beat Clemson in last year’s national semifinal Sugar Bowl, beat Alabama in the 2014 Sugar Bowl and beat Oregon for the National Championship. Then there was the 2002 BCS National Championship Game against #1 Miami and the 1968 Rose Bowl against #2 USC. 1-2-3-4-5.
and to add insult to these other insults…
The Cleveland Guardians have won 4 playoff games since the Tigers last won a postseason game. If you’re keeping count at home, and I know you are, the Tigers haven’t won a playoff game in nine seasons. The Guardians won four playoff games in their first year of existence.
Now, I’m not a Guardians fan in any sense of the word. I’m an Indians fan. I’d rather not cheer for an owner that sold his soul for an all-star weekend in the city. But it is worth mentioning that Cleveland now has two baseball teams that have won in the playoffs more recently than the Motor City Kitties. Maybe next year the Dolans will change the name of the franchise to the Lake Erie Liberals, the Solon Snowflakes or the Parma Pussies and Cleveland can just keep winning with different names.
Oh but Anders, the Browns are the laughing stock of the NFL.
The Cleveland Browns have won 2 playoff games since the Lions last won a postseason game. Cover your eyes Lions fans. The Lions last won a postseason game on January 5, 1992. I believe I am the eldest blogger at LifeTakes and I was born five months after that game. They went on to lose to the Washington R-words in the NFC Championship. This is where it gets fun…
The Lions made the playoffs in 1993, but lost to the Packers, 28-24.
The Lions made the playoffs in 1994, but lost to the Packers, 16-12.
The Lions made the playoffs in 1995, but lost to the Eagles, 58-37.
The Lions made the playoffs in 1997, but lost to the Buccaneers, 20-10.
The Lions made the playoffs in 1999, but lost to the R-words, 27-13.
The Lions made the playoffs in 2011, but lost to the Saints, 45-28.
The Lions made the playoffs in 2014, but lost to the Cowboys, 24-20.
The Lions made the playoffs in 2016, but lost to the Seahawks, 26-6.
All told, Detroit football has lost 9-straight playoff games. Those games were mostly in the Wild Card round of course; the Lions haven’t won the division since 1993.
Meanwhile, Baker Mayfield (lol) and the boys put a mollywhopin’ on the Steelers two years ago and the Browns beat the Patriots during Wild Card weekend in 1994. Shoutout to Bill Belichick.
But forget about the past. What about the present?
Well, the Tigers battled their little hearts out all season to avoid finishing in last place and managed to finish a game ahead of Kansas City, the Pistons are projected to finish 13th of 15 teams in the Eastern Conference, the Lions are the worst team in the NFL and will fire Dan Campbell after this season. Michigan State is a joke. Michigan might actually be a pretty good football team and the Red Wings might not be awful.
Cleveland, Ohio: At Least We’re Not Detroit