College Football Checklist

College football is the best sport on the planet and I will not hear an argument that says otherwise. There is no debate. I’ve been wanting to put together a checklist of traditions and experiences that I want to see in the great game that is college football. I came up with 17 that I want to see. Wanted to keep it at a round number, but I forgot a few classics. Let me know if there is any that I am missing. Without any further ado…

Well, here’s some further ado. Let’s talk about some shitty traditions that I have no interest in seeing or experiencing. The Mississippi State cowbells can fuck right off. Holy shit, how annoying would that be to hear cowbells ringing for three and a half hours? No thanks. Hard pass.

Also, I’m out on anything Texas A&M. Midnight Yell practice, or whatever the fuck they call it, sounds terrible. You go to that on a Friday night if you want. Won’t see me there. I’ll find something better to do than watch a bunch of male cheerleaders wearing class rings and holding each others dicks.

17 – Swag Surf, Auburn University, Auburn, Ala.

F.L.Y., or the Fast Life Yungstaz, released a little song in 2009 called Swag Surfin’. It’s what the kids call ‘a banger’. A little know rapper named Li’l Wayne remixed it on “No Ceilings”. It became a stadium anthem. Drunk student sections loved it. Nobody did it better than Auburn. But at Auburn, it’s not just the student section. The whole gaddamn stadium is swag surfin’. Everybody from the cheerleaders, the band, the ROTC and Bo Nix grandma is swag surfin’. I wanna do it too. Fuck, that looks fun.

16 – Traveler, University of Southern California, Los Angeles, Calif.

Look at that majestic-ass creature! The noble white horse, ridden by Tommy Trojan, is awesome. Just a beautiful, all white Andalusian beast with a great 40-yard time. Tommy Trojan just says ‘ok’ and that thing is gone, Reggie Bush style. Some bitch-made Californians have tried to cancel Traveler as a racist symbol on a couple of occasions. And I’ll be damned if that stallion isn’t still galloping at every home game in the Coliseum. It would be cool to ride Traveler. I don’t know if that’s allowed, but it would be sweet.

15 – Chief Osceola and Renegade / War Chant, Florida State University, Tallahassee, Fla.

Imagine being a student athlete at Duke. You see Chief Osceola and Renegade lead out a Jimbo Fisher-coached Florida State team. You’ve got 80,000 FSU fans war chanting and tomahawk chopping you to death before Chief Osceola drives a flaming spear into the ground. And then you have to tackle Dalvin Cook running downhill for 60 minutes. Fuck. That.

14 – Sandstorm, University of South Carolina, Columbia, S.C.

So cool. Best use of towels in all of sports. I said what I said. @Pittsburgh

13 – Ralphie’s Run, Colorado University, Boulder, Colo.

Now that’s a bad bitch. Yup, Ralphie is a female and she has a bit of a weight problem. She’s 1,200 pounds of American Bison that is not to be trifled with. If Ralphie doesn’t want to turn, Ralphie isn’t going to turn. And there isn’t anything those five cowboy are going to be able to do about it. Beast beast.

12 – TBDBITL, The Ohio State University, Columbus, Ohio

TBDBITL. The Best Damn Band In The Land. They’re doing script Ohio before the game, ‘Carmen Ohio’ after the game and in between the football team is going to beat your ass by 50. That’s the gist of how it works in Columbus. Throw in a crazy halftime performance and a few renditions of ‘Hang on Sloopy’ and you have the best band in the country, bar none.

11 – “I Won’t Back Down”, University of Florida, Gainesville, Fla.

Nothing like 90,000 Floridians singing in unison. Just an all-time moment in the SEC right here. Awesome tribute by the Gators just after Tom Petty’s death and the LSU band plays some bullshit tune right through it. Have a sense of the moment. Florida fans motherfucking the LSU band director as the stadium is in mid-tribute to one of Gainesville’s own. And they had every right to do so. Fuck that guy. Tom Petty is a legend. Everybody says ‘When the Swamp is rocking’ and nobody rocks the Swamp like Tom Petty.

10 – Dixieland Delight Remix, University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, Ala.

If 90,000 singing in unison is cool, add another 10k and sing your own lyrics to make it cooler. I hate Alabama with a burning fire, but this is what college football is all about. No beating around the oak tree at Bryant-Denny. Fuck Auburn, and LSU, and Tennessee too. Spend my money on beer, hold her uptight against the wall and make a little lovin’, all night. Awesome. If you don’t like this tradition, you have a big dump in your pants.

9 – “Jump Around”, University of Wisconsin, Madison, Wisc.

Credit where credit is due, I guess. That looks like an absolute madhouse. Camp Randle does this at the end of every third quarter and I guess it’s a decent tradition that the student section likes to do. Tough to do when you’re on your way to a 59-0 loss. Know what I mean? I don’t like Wisconsin. If and when I go to Camp Randle, I will not be doing any jumping. I’ll take in the atmosphere, but I won’t leave the ground once. I will not participate.

8 – The Grove, University of Mississippi, Oxford, Miss.

Cold beer. Hot women. No grilling. I’m told it’s still the best tailgate in the country. I’ll have to see for myself, but I’m sure the scenery is beautiful.

7 – “Rocky Top”, University of Tennessee, Knoxville, Tenn.

Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, half bear the other half cat. Wild as a mink, but sweet as a soda pop. I still dream about that. Best fight song in the country.

6 – “Take Me Home, Country Roads”, West Virginia University, Morgantown, W.Va.

Goosebumps is right. A little John Denver with 60,000 of your closest friends. I need Pat White and Steve Slaton back in Morgantown for another season. I don’t get the hate for West Virginia. West Virginia gets bad rep for kissing cousins and being a little hillbilly, but it’s one of my favorite states. And if you tell me this song isn’t about West Virginia, I’ll punch you right in the throat.

5 – Iowa Wave, University of Iowa, Iowa City, Iowa

#SomeThings. Admittedly, I’m a bit of a crier. You know, troops returning home, dead dogs in movies, a championship in Cleveland. The normal reasons that people cry. You show me kids with cancer and I’m in a puddle. Full waterworks.

4 – Death Valley at Night / Neck, Louisiana State University, Baton Rouge, La.

PLAY NECK!! AAYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Suck That Tiger Dick Bitch! I can’t believe they stopped playing this in Death Valley. Fuck, that sucks. Let the kids have some fun. They should start playing it in Cleveland with Jarvis and Odell. Anyways, Death Valley at night is a must. Doesn’t matter who it’s against. Doesn’t matter if the Tigers are good or not. It looks awesome on tv. Gotta be awesome in person too.

3 – White Out / “Zombie Nation”, Penn State University, College Station, Pa.

Kirk Herbstreit has been to a few college football games in his career and he said that a Penn State white out is the best atmosphere in the country. Who am I to disagree? I met former Ohio State punter Jon Thoma and he told me a story of a little old lady in the front row giving him the double bird as Beaver Stadium shook. Great story. Much like Wisconsin, I would go to the white out and refuse to participate. I’d be decked out in Scarlet and Gray as the Buckeyes hang 60 on them bums. Sorry ’bout it.

2 – “Enter Sandman”, Virginia Tech University, Blacksburg, Va.

Chills. I’ve watched this no less than 1,000 times. The crazy part is that this is going to happen on Friday. North Carolina at Virginia Tech on Sept. 3 at 6:00pm. Frank Beamer is and will always be the coach at Virginia Tech. You could tell me Frank Beamer died a decade ago and I would still be looking for him on the sidelines tomorrow night. Are you ready Lane Stadium? Exit light, enter the Hokies!

1 – Army vs Navy, Wherever, USA

It’s more than a football game. Both teams are going to run the ball 60 times and the game is going to take a little over an hour. But, the pageantry is like no other. Go Navy. Beat Army.

There you go. That’s my quick list of 17 college football traditions that I need to experience. Let me know if you would like to make one of these trip with me. Football is here. Bet with your heart. Sprinkle a little on the moneyline. Fans are back in the stadiums. Let’s have a great football season.

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