In Memoriam: The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

Another February has passed without our beloved Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Let’s all remember the 20-plus breathtaking shows with a moment of silence….

Thank you.

I used to look forward to February every year. I knew I was getting the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue and I knew I was getting the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in the same month. Wanna know the best part about the fashion show? Alright, you got me, it was the women. But, the production, the live performers, the celebrities in the crowd, the glitz, the glam. The whole thing was awesome.

What an event it was too. If you were anybody you were either in the crowd or on the stage performing. Rihanna, Beiber, Usher, Timberlake, Maroon 5, Kayne, Nicki Minaj and on and on. Headliners on a normal night taking a back seat to scantily clad women.

Personally, I’d pop a second bottle of wine, order a pizza or wings and try to convince the lady friend to watch along. That was usually unsuccessful, but not always. One year, my then girlfriend watched the show with me. She was a Victoria’s Secret employee (professional underwear folder) so she knew the talent going into the night. And that’s the key.

If you know that these women are of a different species, it’s a lot more enjoyable. I don’t watch Marvel movies and try to make suits out of iron that can fly and shit. That’s unattainable. I don’t watch the NBA and compare my basketball game to Kevin Durant. That would be crazy.

I’m a big list guy. Love a good list. I don’t do list on the blog often, but I’ve done quite, quite a bit of research on the subject matter so I think a list is in order. We’re gonna start in 2001 because that’s when ABC picked ut up on a major network. So without any further ado, the top 10 Victoria’s Secret models…

Honorable Mentions

Tyra Banks. Karlie Kloss. Taylor Hill. Selita Ebanks.

Tyra Banks misses the list because she’s kinda the worst. She’s a legend in the game though. Karlie Kloss misses the list based solely on her friendship with Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is the worse so by association, so too is Karlie. Taylor Hill woulda made the list with a few more years. She got robbed. Selita Ebanks woulda been next. If I had one more spot, she’s on it…

10. Heidi Klum

Segment Open -3 Segment Close -4 Closing Model -4

Coming out with the heavy hitters right off the bat. The OG Heidi Klum. Since the runway, she’s done some mediocre acting and has been on a few hard-to-watch reality tv shows. She was on Parks & Rec, Desperate Housewives, HIMYM, in Ocean’s Eight (which never should have been made) and produces Project Runway. Probably could’ve hung up the heels a show or two earlier, but she had tenure. She’s a legend. Arguably the most famous model on this list but she can’t be higher than 10 because she was married to Seal. We ever find out what the fuck is on his face?

9. Marisa Miller

Segment Open -2

This might be a personal pick, but I don’t give a fuck. It’s my list. She was in Entourage too which gives her hella cool points. Look up bombshell in the dictionary. Picture of Marisa Miller isn’t there? Sure is. Marisa had a run of a few years where she was in every celebrity event, charity event and late night talk show in the world. She only did a couple fashion shows, but her bread was buttered in still images. Her Sports Illustrated gallery is a work of art.

8. Lindsay Ellingson / Erin Heatherton

Segment Open -4 Segment Close -2

To be completely honest, I get them confused for one another. I can’t telling them apart, so I put them together. Sue me. Do either of them make the list alone? Probably not. Together? Good for #8.

7. Karolina Kurkova

Opening Model -1 Segment Open -7 Segment Close -1

No lie, Karolina scares me a little bit. Tall, blonde, no nonsense, Czech chick that probably knows how to kill you in multiple ways with her bare hands. She was the first ever model to walk on a televised Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in her big ass red Santa boots. Alright, that’s five blondes in a row. The brunettes are coming. I promise.

6. Miranda Kerr

Segment Open -2 Segment Close -4

Rounding out numbers 7-10 was tough. So many names coulda made the list. I knew who the top six were going to be. Just needed to figure out the order. Miranda Kerr is too hot to be number six on any list. She married Legolas for fucks sake. This is stupid. Anyway, Miranda should write the book on how to be crazy hot. She’s married to a tech billionaire and the founder of snapchat. She’s another divorce away from six billy bucks in her bank account. Get that money girl. PS, could you imagine getting a nude of your supermodel wife on a billion dollar app that you created? Fuck that guy.

5. Giselle Bundchen

Opening Model -3 Segment Open -6

The bread winner of the Bundchen/Brady household kicks off the top five. Mr. Bundchen’s $25 million dollar contract with the NFL Buccaneers is chump change compared to what G is doing in the modeling game. Go play your games Tom. Momma’s gotta put food on the table. And shout out to her acting roll in Taxi. Her being ridiculously hot got me through that atrocious movie.

4. Izabel Goulart

Segment Close -4

I introduce you to the hottest human you’ve never heard of before. Holy smokeshow Izabel. Izabel had both the best show ever and the best walk ever in 2007. The 2007 show was stacked and she absolutely dominated. She was getting crowd pops like you hear at sporting events. Different level of hot and she knew it. Vastly underrated. Bonus points for being in Entourage.

3. Alessandra Ambrosio

Opening Model -1 Segment Open -6 Segment Close -3 Closing Model -1

I mean, do the parents know they’re going to be this good looking when they name the baby? Alessandra is the sexiest name ever created and it fits perfectly. Stupid hot in her first show in 2000 and only got hotter with age. That’s not how aging works babe. Also, I’ve got to take a vacation to Brazil. Something in the water down there. Bonus points for being in Entourage.

2. Candice Swanepoel

Opening Model -3 Segment Open -8 Segment Close -2 Closing Model -1

Candice walked in the Gilded Angels opener in 2014 and I’m not 100% sure that she wasn’t a real angel. Mmm… roll the tape.

(1:40 – 2:04)

1. Adriana Lima

Opening Model -5 Segment Open -14 Segment Close -8 Closing Model -3

Expect anyone different?

GOAT. The baddest bad bitch. Had a decade of hotness and followed it with another decade. She opened segments and closed the same segment because she’s Adriana fucking Lima. There was a story that she wanted to become a nun before Victoria’s Secret. We’re all glad she didn’t. The all white with the snow falling. The zebra stripes with will.i.am. The all red with Rihanna. Everybody has their favorites. Did I cry during her last walk? Damn right I did.

A VS fashion show without Adriana wouldn’t feel right anyway. I’m good with it being cancelled.

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