As I prepared to make my long-awaited return to the blog game, I knew I needed to do two things: I needed a blog that had a chance of making its way to the big swinging Bagwell at the blogging factory and I needed a headline that would grab people by the balls. As the great poet Shawn Carter once said, “When I come back like Jordan, wearin’ the 4-5, it ain’t to play games witchu.”

So, we all know Dave Portnoy. Founder of Barstool Sports. Creator of the Internet. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Faster hands than Delino DeShields.

But recently, I’m starting to question the ‘philanthropy’ part of that amazing ‘Avengers’ reference.

If you look it up, you’ll undoubtedly find stories of Portnoy and the Barstool Fund. Saving small businesses, 29.5 million dollars raised, celebrities chipping in to help, people crying on FaceTime, yada, yada, yada. But au contraire, Portnoy has decimated small businesses in recent days.

On Saturday, the Penn National Barstool Sportsbook officially opened in Detroit’s Greektown Casino. With Portnoy leading the charge, Barstool has added another city, along with Philadelphia, to its inevitable reign on sports gambling. I’m sure Big Cat had a big hand in the efforts as well. I mean, 25 HDTV’s and 40 betting kiosks? That has Dan Katz written all over it.

And now, the small-town sports bookie has died. RIP in peace.

Every group of friends needs a bookie. Every drinking establishment needs a bartender that handicaps games. Every slapdick blogging site needs a writer that takes your money when you bet against Alabama.

Not anymore. Dave Portnoy has killed them. Dave Portnoy has killed US. Killed us in Philadelphia. Killed us in Detroit. How much blood is enough?

Lawrenceburg, Ind. (aka West Cincinnati) is next. Dead.

East Chicago, Ind. (aka East Chicago) is after that. Dead.

If Cleveland or Columbus is on the schedule, I’m fucked.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love to gamble. I’ll bet on anything. I bet on sports, cards, ponies, dogs (races, not fights) and award shows. I was sheep shit at gambling, became a bookie, started winning.

Now, all my stupid-ass Michigan friends will just drive to Greektown, hand the cashier a couple pesos and say “I’ll take the Packers and please light my money on fire.”

In all seriousness, what Dave and the Barstool Fund have done for small businesses is incredible. The list of businesses that the fund has helped grows every day. He’s even using the opening of the sportsbook to help the fund even more. The haters must be sick.

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