With a controversial new Presidential Inauguration right around the corner, it only felt right to get in the spirit. We all can admit, we got asked the famous “what do you wanna be when you grow up?”, question when we were kids. And such as our little imaginations said, we probably said we wanted to be the President, if not an astronaut or a fireman. Well here I am, 23 years later and it’s time to put myself in the shoes of my younger self, to depict an America ran by yours truly and the first three things I would do immediately in office.
Though only taking two semesters worth of both economics and law, in no way shape or form am I an expert on either the economy or on policies. So please don’t be an Oscar from The Office, fact checking me on how realistically this may not work. I’m aware. We deserve to have some fun here in 2021.
1. Nationwide Venmo Mandate
It’s 2021, 81% of Americans have smartphones, and it’s time we stop making excuses. Before I even step foot in the Oval Office, I would have already signed an Executive Order, that by law all citizens are required to have Venmo, Cash App, or some other money transferring app. No longer will “I don’t have cash on me, bro” be a valid excuse, where “just Venmo me” or “I’ll just Venmo you” will be the most common collective group of words fit to make a sentence, the Oxford Dictionary has ever seen.
With this, I would make using the Venmo credit card a rewards/money back incentive plan if Venmo doesn’t already do that. And even if they do, who cares, I’ll pull a Mark Zuckerberg and just claim the idea myself.
2. Banning All Noon Kickoff Games
As a majority of college kids can relate (me being a recent grad) noon kickoffs are about equivalent to an 8 AM class. With this, I would ban noon kickoff games, immediately, ensuring the health and safety of both the players as well as the fans. For the players, this will prevent early morning wake up calls for walkthroughs and such, giving them the full energy they need to go bang heads for 3 hours.
From a fans perspective, no longer will you have to wake up a 5 AM to start pounding cold ones with the boys, to get that good, sauced feeling come a 12 PM kickoff. By ensuring all games start 3 PM or later, fans will be able to get their required, full 8 hours of sleep, being able to wake up at a respectable time to start bonging 4 Lokos, more time for grilling out to get some grub in their stomach, and less time worrying about not having enough time to rage, cause you got their late and the game starts in 2 hours.
3. Spotify Will Be The Main Source Of Music And Television
Let’s just take a moment and stop pretending that Apple Music is anything special. As a day one Spotify user, I will defend that app til the day I die to prove how whack Apple Music is. I mean with Spotify, you’re literally paying $5-$10 a month for unlimited music, free Hulu and free Showtime with Spotify Premium. Even open Socialist Bernie “Breadlines” Sanders couldn’t pass that up. Yeah, I hear those crickets from the Apple Music fans.
Similar to the controversial Obama Care, I would use the same slogan as “if you like your plan, you can keep your plan”. To prevent a monopoly, I’m not saying I would make Spotify the ONLY place you can listen to music or watch shows, but if you chose another route I’m just saying you’re wrong.
With this I would establish a nationwide base plan where like how you can get get free Hulu, in one big package, Spotify will be your main hub for music and live TV (essentially combing Hulu Plus and Spotify Premium into one big package. Pretty much like when you order your cable package), rather than having to pay for for a Spotify account and a Hulu Plus account. It would be all under one umbrella. This would essentially help bring down big tech/big business, and help you save money where you’re not signing your life away to TV contracts that are $70 a month for having 5,500 channels you don’t even watch. I mean seriously…when was the last time you were like “oh hey let’s go see what’s on channel 3200, because whatever nowadays”.
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