I have no expectations for the Cleveland Browns. Therefore, I will not be disappointed by the Cleveland Browns.
I have no expectations for the 2020 NFL season. Therefore, I will not be disappointed by anything out of the ordinary that happens to the 2020 NFL season.
Last year I got caught up in the hype machine. I admit it. It got me. I made a statement that read “The Browns could host the AFC Championship game in 2020.” That is lunacy. That could very well never happen. But this year’s different. This year I’m tempering expectations.
1. Sunday, Sept. 13 at Baltimore, 1:00p.m.
LOSS. Might get embarrassed in this one. The Ravens remember that loss in Week 4 of last season to the Browns and they’ve shit on everybody since. They did it to us in Week 16 at the end of last season and they’ll do it again Week 1 this year. 0-1.
2. Thursday, Sept. 17 vs. Cincy, 8:20p.m.
LOSS. Tune in for Joe Burrow’s coming out party. Early season game on four days rest with a new coach? Not this team. Not this year. 0-2.
3. Sunday, Sept. 27 vs. Washington, 1:00p.m.
WIN. It fuckin’ better be. There’s not many teams that match the level of organizational dysfunctionality that the Browns possess, but the R-words are definitely in that category. If you’re going to do anything or are even building towards anything, you have to beat the fuckin’ Redskins. 1-2.
4. Sunday, Oct. 4 at Dallas, 1:00p.m.
LOSS. By this point in the season I’ll be sick of the Cowboys. FOX deepthroats the Cowboys every year and I end up watching Dallas play 13 games. It’s so stupid. I fucking hate the Cowboys. But this is vintage Browns. Coming off of a much needed win with a little King Mo and fall flat on the road. 1-3.
5. Sunday, Oct. 11 vs. Indy, 4:25p.m.
WIN. Who plays quarterback for the Colts? Browns will be up a score with a minute and change to go and we’ll get a hilarious interception from Philip Rivers. Good to have you back Phil. 2-3.
6. Sunday, Oct. 18 at Pittsburgh, 1:00p.m.
7. Sunday, Oct. 25 at Cincy, 1:00p.m.
WIN. A little more tape out there on Joey B. Teams start making adjustments to stop him. Needed a win. 3-4.
8. Sunday, Nov. 1 vs. Oakland, 1:00p.m.
LOSS. It’s still Oakland. Browns should win, but they won’t. This will be my first mention of ‘Browns Plays’. A ‘Browns Play’ is when the team does something good, but they also do something bad and the bad outweighs the good. For example, the defense gets off the field on third down but lines up in the neutral zone. Or Chubb busts off a long run, but ODell covers up the tight end on the LOS. Too many ‘Browns Plays’ in this one. 3-5.
9. Bye Week vs. THE CLEVELAND BROWNS
The Browns have been known to lose during their bye week. I think they get it right this time. No fuck ups for 13 straight days.
10. Sunday, Nov. 15 vs. Houston, 1:00p.m.
LOSS. The Houston Texans are actively trying to screw Deshaun Watson. They traded away Nuke and now Will Fuller’s hamstring is their #1 receiver. Doesn’t matter. The Browns stink and by this point in the season everybody knows it. Cool mustache though Baker. 3-6.
11. Sunday, Nov. 22 vs. Philly, 1:00p.m.
LOSS. The Eagles are going to win the NFC East. 3-7.
12. Sunday, Nov. 29 in DUVALL, 1:00p.m.
WIN. This is the game where people start saying ‘Oh, the Browns could win out and still make the playoffs’. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. The Jags are going to struggle. LINsanity didn’t last. Neither will Minshew Mania. It was fun while it lasted. 4-7.
13. Sunday, Dec. 6 in Nashvegas, 1:00p.m.
LOSS. Tackling Derrick Henry in December. No thanks bro. Dude might have a zillion yards. 4-8.
14. Monday, Dec. 14 vs. Baltimore, 8:15p.m.
LOSS. Dear god just keep it close. Be respectable. Don’t get embarrassed. That’s all I’m asking. Be competitive. We’re not going to win this game, but don’t hit anybody with their own helmet. There are a lot of eyes on this game. 4-9.
15. Sunday, Dec. 20 at Giants, 1:00p.m.
WIN. Contain Saquon Barkley. 5-9.
16. Sunday, Dec. 27 at Jets, 1:00p.m.
WIN. Contain Curtis Martin. 6-9.
17. Sunday, Jan. 3 vs. Pittsburgh, 1:00p.m.
LOSS. Ben Roethlisberger is the winningest quarterback in the history of Cleveland Stadium. He’ll add to his total after a leg amputation, a fractured skull and a dislocated lung. 6-10.
6-10 for the rest of time. Go Browns.
If the Browns play 16 games with fans in the seats, I’ll be ecstatic. We could go 1-15 and I wouldn’t care. Go sports.